Healing Metaphysics Home > Archive> Australians all let us regress

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Weekend Australian Magazine - September 6-7, 2003
Phillip Adams

Gather round, kiddies. I'm going to tell you a Once Upon A Time story about Australia. Not the wonderful country we live in today where you're taught self-reliance, but a place called the "Commonwealth of Australia". Isn't that a nasty word, Commonwealth? Doesn't it remind you of Communist? It should, because it described a place where, it was believed, wealth should be shared among everyone. Whereas, these days, wealth is increasingly uncommon, something to be enjoyed by our visionary business leaders and their fortunate families.

But, back in the olden days, the vital energies of capitalism were held back by the employees - and by all sorts of regulations. Yes, the bosses got paid more than the workers, but not much more. Not enough. Senior executives couldn't reward each other with "signing-on bonuses" or "golden parachutes" or generous share options. And, believe it or not, they were denied the right to screw and sack their employees. There was, unfortunately, something called the Arbitration Commission and it administered "a basic wage". Believe it or not, it was against the law to pay people less. As a result, people were secure in their jobs, which made them lazy and uncompetitive. And if they were treated with appropriate sternness by their employers, they could turn to help from their "trade union". Do you know what a trade union is? Or was? Suffice to say it was a very, very bad thing.

We've pretty much got rid of them these days. Just as we've got rid of the stultification of job security, replacing it with the excitement of under-employment. Now if you get a job it's likely to be a part-time job, or short-term. You are, as nature intended, out on your own, in a world of Darwinian competition, negotiating with the bosses on a one-to-one basis. This my dears, is called "enterprise bargaining", and it couldn't be simpler. Employees simply accept whatever the bosses are offering. This has led to longer hours, fewer holidays and spectacularly increased productivity. And all the self-indulgences flowing from "collective bargaining" - such as worker's comp, or extra money for working night shifts or public holidays - have been scrapped.

In the olden days, the Australian people owned lots and lots of institutions and services. There was a Commonwealth Bank and many things denoted "public". There were public hospitals, public broadcasting and even public toilets. Then along came the wonderful idea of "privatization" and governments started selling the things that all of the people had owned to... some of the people. Government monopolies like power stations and Telstra were, of course, unhealthy for the economy. So they became private monopolies. Which is what capitalism is all about! Yes, there are still some public things around, like public hospitals and public schools. But don't worry, they won't be around much longer. That's why all of you attend private schools and why Mummy and Daddy have private health insurance.

Now, kiddies, while all this was happening, all our familiar Australian brand names - which were part of our backward corporate culture - were sold to our friends in America. No, don't cry, Tommy. This is a really happy story. And Fiona, please don't pick your nose. When Uncle John became prime minister, he found there were many negative forces holding us back. Like the ABC and the Human Rights Commission. We didn't need their criticisms and their carpings so he began, slowly but surely, dismantling them. And he made sure that those foreigners in the United Nations weren't allowed to stick their noses into our business. Nor would he sign international treaties such as Kyoto. After all, kiddies, wouldn't you like Australia to become a great big greenhouse? Think how pretty that will be.

So now, at long last, we're truly living in a lucky country. You're very lucky to be growing up at a time when silly ideas like the republic and reconciliation and the rights of refugees have been scrapped. Now we can all focus on the thrills and excitement of an increasingly cut-throat society. As you grow up, you'll have to look after your own futures. You'll do this by making lots and lots in real estate or the money market. And you'll have a superannuation fund that will invest in companies like HIH, One-Tel and AMP. Yes, some of you may fail in your careers or in life itself. Indeed some of you may even turn to crime. (Jimmy! Stop that!) But where common criminals, like refugees, have mandatory detention, if you're what's known as a "white-collar criminal" you won't need to worry, as long as you can afford to hire the best QCs. And even if your daddy is sentenced to a few years for corporate fraud, he'll enjoy serving it in a privatized prison.

There are so many wonderful aspects to living in what we call the "free market society", where we live by the 21st century's Golden Rule. Say after me, kiddies: "Do unto others before they do unto you."

One more thing. Remember, to succeed in life, it's essential to buy things. Lots and lots of things. And to help you decide what you want to buy, it's important to look at lots and lots of television. Remember that the jingle is the 21st century nursery rhyme, just as the TV commercial is the 21st century fairytale.

Yes, we still have some old-fashioned fairytales. But we've changed them just a little. Now Goldilocks is eaten by the wolf, who also gets the three pigs. And while Cinders marries the Prince, she has to sign a pre-nup. And everyone will live happily ever after. Well, not everyone. Not them. Us.

Healing Metaphysics Home > Archive> Australians all let us regress