Healing Metaphysics Home > Archive> Parenthood, Shamanism and Detachment

Article by Michael Finn
Copyright Michael Finn

"...turn your sights rather to the fact that every new generation is challenged by the press of a different set of circumstances, to respond in a timeless way to the problems of man. It has been, and is now, a call to compassion and sacrifice and love, to a generosity of spirit, that is, in a word, the abandonment of self."
(Joe Phillips)

Parenthood is a shamanic journey. It provides experiences of similar nature, albeit in a more urban setting; its just that the experiences are not actively sought after, as in the traditional shamanic sense. Yet, parenthood makes immense demands on the strengths, patience, devotion, stamina, sanity, intelligence and endurance of parents.

Indeed, a shaman might prefer a 6 month vision quest in Antarctica, to 21 years or more of 24 hour vigilance.

Where a traditional shaman (a term which is generic for both female and male shamanic practitioners in my writings) accesses 'altered states' and obtains supersensory contact, a parent may go into sleep deprivation and sometimes exhaustion states as reactions to pushing oneself too far. These are 'altered states' in fact.

I contend that if the parent can go deeper into their all-too-familiar everyday states, they may discover some hitherto unknown experiences (clandestine, quasi-shamanistic types), which may be developed and then made useful, to renew and support the entire era of parenting. Such uncovered states may readily enhance the already awesome undertaking of raising humans.

Raising children is a sacred journey, incorporating : love, selflessness, care, mentorship, huge challenges, hugs, dilemmas, insomnia, confusion, depression, anxiety, doubt, heartbreak, tiredness, dreams (some realized, others irrevocably shattered), drive time and, that ubiquitous minefield, the school lunch.

There are those priceless moments between parent and child which no other part of life can produce. The pure bliss of being in the presence of one's flesh and blood and to witness and share in the entire growing up process with its wonderful panorama of experiences; these are some of the high points of family life.

However, child-rearing is not simply a benevolent and enjoyable proliferation of our species, but also, in my mind, an adult version of 'growing pains', a call to 'relinquish any dominance of a narrowed vision on life'.

This, because the entire parenting process is a thorough 'rounding-out' experience, which impacts immensely upon the essential nature of the parent.

It could be viewed as a calling, a demanding path which many of us, remarkably embark upon in haste, by accident, and without the necessary reflection, conviction or training.

'The gem cannot be polished without friction, nor man perfected without trials'
(Chinese proverb)

Due to the fact that many approach this tremulous task of parenthood fairly naively, without the benefit of 'work experience', it seems plausible that wisdom and guidance might helpfully be drawn from other sources, to assist parents in people-rearing.

I mean, who would go on a long and demanding journey, virtually alone and not invest in, at the very least, a trusty map and some travel tips?

Given the paucity of advisors, mentors, guides and personal support mechanisms these days, I suggest we attempt to plumb, or develop our own innate shamanic qualities.These would greatly benefit the 21st century parent to tackle the immense challenges of modern family life, without sacrificing or losing sight of one's own needs, self respect and thorough enjoyment of living.

So, what's 'shamanic'?

A general notion of what 'shamans' traditionally focus upon, is summarized thus, in a chapter of a book which I read recently called, 'The way of the adventurer' by Serge King:

"Basically, very basically, the shaman uses altered states of consciousness to communicate with and influence the forces of nature and the universe for the benefit of society...............These are the three most distinguishing features of the shaman, then: the use of altered states; influencing events for social benefit; and the accumulation of inner power."

• And these are some of the run-off benefits I expect a shamanically-inclined consciousness might develop : staying consciously closer to the sacredness of things -enhanced sensitivity to others, to moods, communications, feelings, problems and responses and keen powers of observation
• deep insights (in this case, regarding family history, relationship dynamics, familial attitudes, dysfunctional habits, childrens' health needs and challenges, etc.)
• access to clear empathy and 'trusted' intuitions and gut responses
• having a sensitive 'finger on the pulse', of what is actually going on underneath the surface veneer or publicly-displayed demeanor of family life
• enhanced resilience, confidence, courage and the ability to 'self-support'

Such an enriched consciousness would develop what I call the 'everyday shaman' inside a parent. The key state which the parent-as-shaman can discover is that of 'detachment'.

Detachment is the grail of survival, both of life in general and more specifically, parenting.

Although detachment is traditionally seen as a rather Buddhist-inspired state, it is very exportable. Detachment includes the ability to be present, engaged, interacting and yet not engulfed, nor overwhelmed by events and our reactions to them. We do not fall into the trap of 'over-involvement'.

Parents will eventually become overtaken by the likes of anxiety, depression and serious misgivings, if they are not able to separate their personal needs and desires from the actual flow of the 'family Tao' - the way things actually are/become, for all members of the family.

To recognise the family Tao, one needs to be able to see and feel the big picture of the family at all times. This is sensed from the vantage point, of the detached observer.

Thus, the 'Tao'(here) is the actual evolution of that complex system of inter-relationships comprising the family unit and everyone's experiences therein.

One must not mistake detachment for indifference, nor aloofness. It is an empathic, receptive, expressive awareness; it is not vulnerable to being swept easily away under the influence of habitual reactions, personality complexes etc.

The ability to achieve the state of detachment is polarized by that of habitually 'framing reality'.

That is, for a parent, trying to pin one's own ideals, hopes and dreams onto the personal destinies of one's own offspring.

This framing tendency includes our parental projections or desires, regarding who and what our progeny will become, for which specific path in life they may take and the structure and function the family 'should' assume over time.

Holding the personal journeys/futures of our loved ones in a siege mentality ( framing things, thereby resisting change and preferring that things be different), will bring nothing short of prolonged disquiet, eventually culminating in psychological distress.

Framing reality, represents the parents' desire to control event outcomes. This control factor is central to much of the heartbreak/disappointment which befalls parents, in regards their children.

Navigating the pressures of change

Parents must withstand the expanding range of extenuating pressures being exerted on family life in the 21st century. The likes of :

• Diversity of family structure
• Generational shifts
• Culture dominance (over the parental sphere of influence
• Resource deficits (employment, income, assets etc)
• Dysfunctional interpersonal dynamics
• Inner demons (our internal critics, perfectionism, low self esteem and confidence issues, our own sense of having been parented or not, etc)

Due to technological changes, media saturation and unrelenting commercial pressure, the family is chained to the wheel of materialism. Advanced communications ensure the family is bound to a local, national and global community.

Corporate abandon, that greedy demon of the developed world, intoxicated as it is with materialism, threatens to blind us to the simple and wholesome aspects of family life, obscuring our intrinsic humanity and thereby, propagating indifference.

The shaman's undivided attention

The consumer society beckons our continual indulgence. People become entranced into acquiring, possessing and owning. Work compulsions and other ubiquitous distractions, steal parents away from that most important of parental acts - 'authentic parental presence.' This devoted attentiveness spawns love, warmth and empathy.

Unfortunately, dedicated presence has been hijacked by a new addiction - 'busyness'. Too busy is what we become when we are trying to escape stagnancy or various forms of denial in life.

The shamanic cure for this would possibly be to sit quietly within one's own inner stillness (of meditative moments), reflecting on the brevity of life and reprioritizing time, how it is spent and with whom. One's kids are only young for a fleeting time - you don't get second chances to be there for them.......

Parents operate on shifting inter-generational grounds, attempting to promote family stability; cope with rapid change; deal with their own ageing process; struggle with decisions and precedents which will have long term repercussions and juggle many and varied roles.

A top priority is to effectively role model that precious commodity called 'personal responsibility'.

For many and various reasons, there are cyclical slumps in this process, resulting in those who reach adulthood eschewing this stage of their maturation and development.

Factors involved in this 'devolution' can include the erosive effects of : the mass media and its aggressive marketing influences, rampant consumerism, corporate indifference, the damage wreaked by drug and alcohol addiction, the inadequateness of our education systems to address the qualities of individualism,the fallout from widespread unemployment, etc.

These exert a powerful impact on, say, a teenager's identity structure, personal esteem, optimism, socialized-sense-of-self and desire to assume a particular place in the scheme of things, to occupy a responsible position within the social collective.

The end result is a generational proclivity to avoid developing authentic self responsibility.

Its happening now; just ask teachers what its like being in the classroom these days; take a look at the western world's fetish with litigation, watch insurance premiums climb continually and Workplace Health and Safety (with good intentions), button life down so tight we can't breathe.

Check out actual suicide rates amongst the all-too-young.

Reflect on the masses of young folk who are just hanging in here, developing lifelong dependence on anti-depressive pharmaceuticals. Witness a generation of lost souls, who suffer formidable doses of ultra-cynicism and hopelessness.

New ways must be found to impart this sense of personal dharma to our kids.Whatever we were used to doing is not in step with the changes manifesting in society, which are pressing heavily upon family structures and the ways things were done in 'the old days'.

The parent-as-shaman must remain cognisant of the different 'zeitgeist' (spirit of the time) operating and active within different generations.

This spirit represents changing pressures, demands, beliefs, morals, behaviours, permissions and norms, specific to each generation.

Due to their evolutive drive, the time-spirits belonging to different generations will inevitably become tangled and confused.

The challenge is to examine our inter-generational differences, leading to, at the very least a workable interface, wherein two differently-focussed 'life-times' can communicate and more productively co-exist.

Time spirits will influence the occupants of their generations by expressing: different degrees of optimism vs pessimism/cynicism; changing ethics, values, ideas, rights, awareness, aspirations and community connectedness. Also, evolving ideas of what constitutes a family and the types of stress endured.

A parent requires a talent for adaptability, especially to changing family structure. As an example, one has to have lived as a single parent, to truly realize the incessant pressures of: income need, childcare, social isolation, and the limitations of one's personal freedom.

Parents are hardwired to preserve family structure and stability. Standard models (e.g. two parent families) are oftentimes being remodelled into new hybrids such as single parent, same sex families, etc.

The shamanic attitude would be privy to an informed orientation to gender bias, sexism and hitherto 'accepted norms'. We need to be released from compulsive adoption of how things have been. Awaken to the possibility that we might release ourselves from a restricted definition of what a 'family' necessarily is.

Let us not forget how much clandestine, intra-family abuse has occurred, even within just the past century, within the much preferred 'nuclear family' or similar models. An enormous range of abuse is perpetrated within the 'safe crime scene' of family life. Manipulation is often perpetrated within a family unit which is so tight that tragic secrets are kept easily concealed; such, is a sad model of existence. Such are the results of a prevailing disconnectedness, bordering on indifference.

New family structures beckon and change is tracked, like the prey of a hungry hunter.

Parent-life is challenged by relationship dysfunction, be it partner to (ex)/partner, parent to child, grandchild, etc. Everyone needs a wailing wall, close confidantes, friends to lean on. I exhort all parents to access the wisdom of an external party, an outside sanctuary into which one may retreat for solace, advice, a shoulder, a good cry and most importantly, support. Herein, the shaman finds sanctuary in like companionship.

We parental acolytes might locate the wailing wall in the guise of a trusted counsellor. Outside perspectives can assist us in locating phenomena in the 'blind spots' of our rear vision mirrors, our dragging emotional anchors, shyness, fears, anguish, disheartedness, jealousy, depression, anxieties, lonliness, stubbornness, lack of purpose or whatever..

Pick up advice from a neutral party and if it's required, introduce fresh energies into the family unit. Fairly closed, introverted families tend to perpetuate static dynamics. Stasis is the starting point for states such as depression and boredom to develop and can lead, over time, to the need for chemical enhancements and props.

Prevailing cultures (e.g. peer pressure, multimedia, capitalism, etc.) exert more powerful influences on children's personality/ego development and decision making, than parental efforts alone, according to recent research studies.

This seems very probable, as cultures arise, spread and simply vacuum up 'young novices'.

The pressure of one's specific generational culture is immense, should you consider social issues around:

• The intrinsic need to belong (to something or someone)
• smoking and drinking
• fashion and apparel
• music (and lyrics)
• cable television and the reach of the internet
• Drug use/abuse
• youth suicide
• sexual activity
• attitudes toward society in general
• personal responsibility issues

Its now nigh impossible to find any static, standardised perspectives on these fast moving societal attitudes.

One basically needs the awareness of when he/she is:-

• reflexively defending their own way, position or stance
• unable to 'walk a mile in another's shoes'
• addicted to being right, rather than empathic or open-minded
• lazily stubborn
• unreasonable or unrealistic, especially in denying or forgetting that he/she was once a child, a teenager, an emerging identity
• unable or unwilling to navigate change and choosing to live in the past, as if that were an option.

The booby traps of parental life :

- 'Damned if you do, damned if you don't'
This scenario will recur over time and one needs to trust gut feelings, instincts and intuitions. Become more familiar with your 'internal critics'.

- Cease the goals of perfectionism
If you suspect you're a perfectionist (and won't work on it), save yourself a lot of time and trouble and nail yourself to the cross now! Parenthood virtually demands mistake making. Parenting is an inexact, imperfect science. Rules and order change continually. There is no unmoving, static 'absolute' measure of right or wrong. Parents learn, first and foremost, that nothing exists immutably.

- 'Head in the sand' attitude
Looks like it works, but if you're looking the other way e.g. (from intractable family dilemmas), then know that the situation will not shift/evolve, but will worsen.

Kids tend to become unwitting channels for unprocessed family problems. These will influence their actions, behaviours and moods. Such reactions will become 'disturbing' and the child, the prime focus for blame.

Note: too much 'head in the sand' intransigence will often create an enormous amount of intra-family tension. Members will tend to seek substance relief (relaxation) via alcohol, tobacco, sugar, caffeine, carbs, recreational drug use and so on.

- The 'no strings attached ' quandary
Don't fall into the illusion that one can parent unconditionally. No matter how hard you might try, actions all carry their own messages/signals. There are strings attached to all interactions.

It may be as subtle as an underlying desire for one's offspring to honour and celebrate normal family life as her/his parent does. Most things held dear by one generation will be shadowed by an encroaching new generation.

It's ok to pour the labour of love into children, but don't expect it to be mathematically answered. One plus one could equal anything. If one expects children to reciprocate love, concern and intimacy in similar fashion to its offering, then good luck. Strings might need to be given some bungee-like flexibility.

Know rather, that what you put out, may return, but in an entirely new and unrecognized fashion.

Do better in recalling your very different nature as a child.

Parenting is an 'archtypal' experience - the elder, mentor and carer. As such it carries a powerful charge. It is hardwired into our psyche, the 'bkahti' of raising young ones.

KEYS TO AN EASIER PASSAGE
I am unsure of the source of the following three ideas, but offer them as a starting point - embrace these in the shamanic spirit of looking outside the circle of our habitual responses. In the face of seeming insurmountable change:

1. Imagine the worst possible outcome.
- in full detail, create the whole scenario

2. Recognise that you would cope
- you will survive
- you will live through it
- it may not be what you want, but it's not the end of the world.

3. Look for benefits
- they may not seem worth the cost, but looking at the benefits is positive action

Never forget, the 'road to hell is paved with good intentions'. Good intention doesn't promise good reception. If you've engineered an existence within which your children seem to have 'all the life' then investigate possibilities-
- Parent(s) lack of self esteem
- Shyness
- Parents are living their lives vicariously through their children
- Parents are unable to assert their own needs and following through with efforts to have them met

Watch the often obsessive desire to be right and to be in control. Ponder the idea that maybe one is a parent, not simply to foster children into the world, but also to develop thoroughly and relatively quickly many skills, powers and abilities and a greater awareness of what the passing years throw our way. If really stuck somewhere or in a quandary, especially regarding 'control issues' consider that the answer might lie in your ability and willingness to:

• Draw the line
• from the standpoint of your 'self respect'. This stance is the arbiter of exactly what will be tolerated. It's the demarcation line of 'give and take'. It's where tough love is etched from. This is the anchor of self validation.
  

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